Michael pulled his khakis back on and walked over to stand in front of me. “Amy,” he said, reaching out to smooth down my hair.

“Have you seen my shoes?” I asked, trying to step around him.

“What’s the matter?” he asked, taking my hands in his. “Look, I promise the second time will be better.” I pulled my hands away, reasoning that I really didn’t need my shoes. I could get home barefoot. It would be fine.

Michael pulled me into a hug, running his hand over my hair, and I felt myself stiffen. It was all just too much. Everything was too much. What we’d just done, and how I hadn’t known that I would feel so vulnerable while it was happening, which was the last thing that I wanted to feel. How when it was over, I’d realized what a huge mistake it had been. But a mistake that was impossible to take back. How, suddenly, with his arms around me, I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I pushed him away and stepped back. As I did, I saw a hurt look flash over his face, but I didn’t care. All I knew was that I had to get out of there.

“I have to go,” I said, hearing how unsteady my voice sounded, and feeling like something inside me was crumbling. I couldn’t believe I’d ever thought this was a good idea. I just needed to go someplace where I could be alone, and try to handle the fact that everything in the world seemed to be broken.

“Let’s talk about this,” he said, sitting down on the bed and patting the spot next to him.

“I don’t want to talk!” I yelled this, not even knowing I was going to, and my voice broke on the last word.

“Okay,” said Michael, now looking a little freaked out. “Um. That’s okay. You don’t have to.”

I turned away from him and forced myself to take a breath, even though I could feel how jagged it was. “I just … I just want to be alone, okay? I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have come here.” I headed for the door, leaving behind in his messy room my shoes, my virginity, and the last semblance of the girl I’d once been.

“Amy,” Michael said. “Don’t—”

But I never found out what he was going to say, as I slammed the door behind me and walked down his dorm hallway, keeping my eyes on the industrial brown carpet, not looking back to see if he followed me. I felt tears pricking the inside of my eyelids. My eyes felt like they were burning, and two tears escaped from my right eye. I could feel just how much there was—everything that had happened, the enormity of it all. There weren’t enough tears to cry. I didn’t have enough voice left to scream. And it wasn’t like anything was going to change. No matter how much I cried, even if I let myself yell, things were never going to get better. So I pushed back as hard as I could against the feelings inside me that were crying out for release. I concentrated on breathing, and taking one step, then another, and not thinking about what had happened, or the house I would have to go back to, or how it felt that my heart was beyond broken—how it felt so shattered that it was ground down to powder. I pushed these feelings away with everything I had left.

And by the time I stepped outside, into the still warm evening, I had stopped crying.

4

Through Adversity to the Stars

I’ve reached the point of know return.

—Kansas

We were going to Kentucky.

Well, first we had to go through Kansas and Missouri, but then we were going to Kentucky.

When I’d woken up at ten that morning—having finally drifted off to sleep around four—Bronwyn was gone, and so was my suitcase. My jeans were folded on her bed, along with a white T-shirt, very like the one she’d worn the day before. There was a yellow Post-it lying on the clothes that read For Amy, and a pink Post-it next to the yellow one that read Wear Me. Confused, but not seeing any other options, I got changed, feeling the softness of the fabric as I did so. It was a nice shirt, and it was white—I’d have to be sure to stay far away from jam.

I rolled up the sleeping bag and headed downstairs. Leonard was asleep on the couch, snoring softly, controller resting on his chest. As I headed to the kitchen, Roger came out of it, wearing the “Bear Necessities” T-shirt he’d bought at the Yosemite gift shop. He must have just showered, because his hair was still wet and I could see the comb tracks through it, the cowlick in the back struggling valiantly to stand up. “Hey,” he said. “Morning.”

“Hi,” I said quietly, even though there was probably no need, as the game was blaring some kind of pan-flute music and that didn’t seem to be disturbing Leonard in the slightest.

“Did you have fun last night?” he asked.

“I did,” I said, a fact that still surprised me. But I had actually been having fun, until the end.

“Good,” he said, smiling at me. “I wasn’t sure, when you left early …”

“Oh, that,” I said, looking down at the ground. “I was just tired.”

“Yeah,” he said, stretching a little. “It’s been an intense couple of days.”

“It has,” I agreed, realizing as I said this that it had only been three days. And that my life before the trip was beginning to seem very far away.

“Ready to hit the road?”

“Yep,” I said, not registering my word choice until it was too late to take it back. But we were in Colorado, after all, so maybe cowboy speech was more acceptable. Or at least less random. “I need to find my suitcase, though. It wasn’t in Bronwyn’s room.”

“That’s okay,” Roger said as he grabbed his duffel from the doorway. “Bron brought it down this morning.”

“Really? That was nice of her.”

“Mmm,” he said vaguely. We walked past Leonard on our way to the door, and Roger fist-bumped the hand that was draped across the back of the sofa. “Later, dude,” he said, continuing out to the car.

“Totally,” Leonard mumbled.

I looked up at the screen and noticed that it was now flashing Make haste! You must save Princess Amy!

I watched the words as they faded, feeling myself smile. “Bye, Leonard,” I said softly. “Good luck with your quest.” I stepped outside and pulled the door to the International House shut behind me. Then I followed Roger out to the car.

“Bron had a meeting early this morning,” he said as he put his duffel in the backseat, not making eye contact with me. He walked to the driver’s side door, and I got in the passenger seat and buckled up. “But she said to tell you good-bye.”