“Probably going to need bypass surgery, but yeah.” His words were clipped, his tone without emotion.
Evan didn’t know how to handle this version of Jace. She was so used to the guy who seemed like nothing ever got to him. She risked moving closer and sat on the lounge chair next to him. “It’s hard to imagine your mom slowing down long enough for them to even keep her in a hospital bed.”
“Huh, no kidding.” He laced his fingers between his knees, still only looking out at the trees. A long stretch of silence passed, and she began to feel like an intruder in whatever world he was lost in. It was stupid to think that she could offer him any comfort. What was she to him besides the girl he’d messed around with this weekend? He’d made it obvious that he hadn’t wanted Andre to bring her here. She shifted forward, planning to stand up and leave him to his thoughts, but his quiet voice halted her. “Mom told me what my dad said to you the night you ran away.”
The statement knocked her back on her butt. “Oh.”
He turned toward her, the wear of the day evident in every line of his face. “I need you to know that what he said wasn’t true.”
She sighed. “Jace, look, that was a long time ago. Let’s not—”
“I didn’t say the right things to you that night either. I know that. When I saw your cutting scars, I got scared.”
She looked down at her hands, her cheeks heating with shame. “You were right to be worried. I was a mess back then.”
“You were hurting, and I should’ve been there for you. Should’ve seen that you needed a friend, not a bed buddy.”
“I’m the one who kissed you first. I wanted it to happen. You had been an amazing friend to me, but I wanted all of you. Wanted you to look at me the way you looked at those girls you dated. To feel beautiful and important. It was a stupid teenage crush.”
He reached out and grabbed her hand. “And I should’ve stopped things before they turned sexual. I was nineteen and knew better. But that doesn’t mean it wasn’t real for me, too. You were never just some girl to me. I loved you long before you kissed me that night, and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you that when you needed to hear it the most.”
Her throat tightened with the old grief of that night—the devastation she’d felt when he’d turned away from her. “I was a messed-up kid, Jace. I pinned all that hope on you because you were the first boy who ever made me feel like I was worth something. It wasn’t a fair burden for you to carry. Whether you loved me back shouldn’t have been a life-and-death matter.”
He took a deep breath. “What happened when you left? Mom told me about your note.”
She shook her head, the turmoil she’d felt inside back then still branded onto her psyche. “I sat on the edge of a bridge, watching the black water swirl, thinking that if I jumped no one would miss me.”
She looked up and caught the pain that crossed his face. “Oh, Ev . . .”
“I sat there for what seemed like forever, trying to get the nerve to just do it already.”
“What stopped you?”
Her lips lifted into a humorless smile. “This cocky street kid ambled by and plopped down next to me like I’d invited him to sit there. He told me, ‘Ya know, they’ve done studies and shit. Every person who’s survived a suicide jump has said they regretted jumping halfway into the fall. Makes you feel pretty bad for the dumb fucks who don’t live to fill out that survey.’ Then he offered to share his bag of Cheetos with me.”
“Heh. And that convinced you?”
She shrugged. “Made me think of my dad. Made me wonder if he would’ve changed his mind if given the chance. And suddenly I didn’t want to end up like him. I shared the Cheetos and let the kid lead me back onto solid ground.”
“What was the kid’s angle? Trying to get in your pants?”
She laughed, the thought altogether ridiculous. “No, you would’ve been more his type than me.”
“Oh.”
“He took me back to an apartment he was crashing at. Gave me a place to stay and eventually a way to make money. Saved my life basically.”
Frown lines appeared on Jace’s face. “A way to make money?”
She bit the inside of her lip, not wanting Jace to know the shameful things she’d done, but knowing he deserved honesty. “He knew a guy who owned a dinky little photo studio. The guy paid me under the table, and I learned everything I could about photography.”
Jace cringed, too smart not to read in between the lines. “Behind the camera or in front of it, Ev?”
She swallowed hard. “I really would rather—”
“Tell me, Ev. I need to know what happened to you.”
“At first, the guy wanted me for photos. His Internet business thrived on underage teens. But all my . . . scars made me unmarketable.”
Jace paled. “Jesus.”
“I offered to help with the camera work and whatever errands he needed me to run. It made me sick to do it, but it was do that or end up selling more than my photography skills on the street.”
Jace put his head in his hands. “God, Ev. Why didn’t you just come home? Even if you hated me, why put yourself through that?”
She looked out at the expanse of green, so he wouldn’t see the truth on her face. She’d found out shortly after that she was pregnant and knew she’d never be able to go back to the Austins’. Scared out of her mind, she’d called the number on an adoption ad in the phonebook. The small amount of financial support she’d received through the agency had saved her life, but handing over her and Jace’s baby had been like yanking out her soul and setting it on fire.
She let out a breath. “Because I knew if I went back, I would just be sent to a girls’ home to wait it out until I turned seventeen before I got turned out on my own anyway. What did it matter? I was so lost in my depression it didn’t really matter where I was anymore.”
“I can’t even tell you how sorry I am, Evan. I feel like I ruined everything for you.”
She gave him a tired smile, the sadness over the past making her limbs feel heavy. “We both made stupid mistakes. Mistakes that other teenagers everywhere make every day. The price for me was higher because I was an emotional powder keg. I made you my life raft and that isn’t anything anyone should have to be for anyone else. Especially at that age.”
“And how are you now, Evan? Really.” His green eyes were awash with concern, his tone tender.
“I’m good. Really. When I finally earned enough money to get on my feet, I started seeing a counselor, did the antidepressant thing for a long time. Learned how to channel my need to cut into more productive things. Now if I’m stressed, I go for a punishing run instead of a razor. Or take out my camera. Or maybe spend a weekend with two guys who like to tie me up and have their wicked way with me.”
He finally smiled at that. “Is that right?”
“Yes, all that scary stuff is in my rearview mirror.”
And had stayed in her rearview because she’d taken the dangerous variables out of the equation. Can’t feel worthless if you don’t seek anyone else’s approval. Can’t feel abandoned if you don’t trust people to stay. And can’t get a broken heart if you don’t fall in love.
“So you’re happy now?” he asked, his gaze searching her face.
She absently twirled her engagement ring around her finger and sighed, her most truthful response since he’d come back in her life falling from her lips. “I’m happy enough.”
He leaned back in the lounge chair, closing his eyes for a moment as if absorbing her answer, then reached out and took her hand. “Come ’ere.”
* * *
Jace was tired. Too tired to continue thinking about the fallout with his dad. Too tired to be pissed at Andre for bringing Evan here when it was beyond crossing the line. And too tired to continue fighting how he felt about Evan.
His dad had been right on one thing—it was Jace’s fault, all the things Evan had gone through after she’d run away. Which meant it was his job to make sure he made it up to her. Fuck “happy enough.” That shit wasn’t acceptable. If Evan had told him she was truly content, he would’ve told her to get off his balcony and go home. He’d been prepared to let her go for good if that’s what was best for her.
But that’s not what her answer had been. So if Dr. Dan wasn’t making her goddamned ecstatic, then Jace figured the guy deserved to have some competition. If Evan spent two months in Jace and Andre’s bed and still wanted to be with Daniel, then so be it. But Jace was going to do everything possible to show her that she had options. No, they couldn’t offer her a fairy tale, but he and Andre could show her all they had to give.
He dragged Evan onto his lap, her warmth a welcome respite from the chill he’d carried since leaving the hospital. The rays of the late-afternoon sun slid over her left side, plunging the other half of her in shadow. Darkness and light. Sweetness with an indelible edge. “You’re beautiful, Ev. Really, knock-me-on-my-ass beautiful.”
She smirked, though the sarcasm didn’t reach her eyes. “You’ve had too much to drink I think.”
He shook his head. “You’ve never been able to see how amazing you are. It’s a terrible habit.”
She adjusted herself, sitting astride him, and reached out to run her fingertips through the hair at his temples. “I think we share the same affliction.”
He cupped a hand around the back of her neck and brought her mouth down to his. Her lips parted without hesitation, filling him with a tenderness that hadn’t been present in their previous kisses. Their tongues twined in a languid and sensual rhythm that belied the burning need that was beginning to pump through his veins. Her fingers tracked through his hair, her nails scraping along his sensitive scalp.
God, she felt good. Like she’d been made to fit against him like this.
Heat spread down his nerve endings, landing squarely in his crotch. His cock swelled against her, the straddling position and her thin cotton skirt leaving hardly any barrier between them. He rocked against her, knowing she’d be able to feel the rasp of his jeans against her pussy. She moaned into the kiss, but he didn’t break the connection.
She ground herself against his erection and their kiss turned from tender to hungry. His fingers went searching for more of her. He found the hem of her blouse and moved his hands beneath it, sliding over her ribs and palming her lace-covered breasts. With one quick flick, he unfastened the front hook and freed her from the bra. God, she felt good beneath his touch. Soft and sweet and burning hot.
He wanted to pull the shirt off her, take her pert nipples in his mouth, so he could hear that sexy whimper she sometimes made, but he knew they were already pushing it being out there on the balcony. The back of the building was pretty private with the greenbelt, but not gated.
He pinched her nipples between his fingers and she fell away from the kiss, her head tilting back as a soft cry escaped. The sound wrapped around his cock, beckoning all his blood there.
“I love that you like it a little rough, sunshine.”
She brought her gaze down to his, the flame behind those baby blues enough to set his every cell on fire. She reached down and gathered her skirt up to her thighs so that there was one less barrier as she rubbed against his crotch again. “I love that you like to give it rough.”
He groaned, her candidness driving him to the edge. “The dirty talk sounds good on you, Ev. No one would peg you for a bad girl.”
She shot him a wicked grin and lifted her skirt just a tick in the front, exposing her beautifully smooth cunt pressed up against his denim-clad erection.
“Ah, fuck. A dirty mouth and no panties?”