Lilah’s hand squeezed my knee, and with a cautious expression, she asked, “Why did you ask, sister? Is this something that you have been thinking of… of trying with Flame?”
I lowered my head, just simply trying to breathe, and confessed, “I fear it is something I shall never be able to do.” I composed myself and added, “I find myself dreaming of kissing Flame. I dream of him touching my face and bringing me to his lips. And in my dreams I have no fear. I do not fear his touch. And I do not fear that I have never been kissed before. Because Flame keeps me safe. There is no fear to be had in his presence.” I brought in a long breath, and felt my heart crack. “But the reality is that I fear his touch, though it is newly craved by a part of me I felt had died. I am afraid of what feeling another man’s hand on my bare skin would evoke. Of the memories I have tried so very hard to move past.” I looked first to Lilah, then to Mae and held her gaze. “What if Flame’s touch suddenly became Moses' in my mind. And what if I became trapped there again? Unable to speak through crippling fear? Would a simple kiss be worth it then?”
My vision became focused on Lilah’s pretty face and I huffed a humorless to myself. “Flame, I fear, has been hurt more by a person’s touch than even I. I do not think he will ever be able to lay his hand over mine, let alone kiss me.”
Mae sighed, and brushing a piece of hair from my face, said, “You deserve to be loved, Maddie. And I know I did not suffer as brutally as you did, nor did Lilah or Bella, but Lilah and I have found men who enabled us to move on. To find life-long happiness.”
My lips trembled. “I do not think Flame would ever be able to be that way with me.”
“Then is he truly the one for you?”
Taking Lilah’s hand I pressed it over my chest. “That beat, that new lease of life pounding within my chest? It is his. The awakening of my heart belongs to Flame.” I steadied my tears.
“Maddie,” Lilah whispered. Shifting to her knees, her hands on the side of my head, she kissed my forehead. “I do not know what will happen in the future, but I am grateful that Flame has brought out this possibility in you.”
Lilah sat back down on the floor and Mae sat back in her seat. Then Lilah said, “When I make love to Ky it is not anything like what we endured at the hands of those men. He is kind, and gentle, and I do not think I could feel closer to him at any other time than when we are joined.” I tensed at her words. Lilah cast me a watery smile and continued. “It is the physical manifestation of what I feel in my heart.” Lilah inhaled, never breaking our gaze, then she expressed a wish. “I hope one day you can know what that feels like. And I hope when you do, you feel nothing but happiness. Happiness without fear.”
I did not say anything in response.
Chapter Sixteen
Flame
My brothers were already waiting in the meet room when we arrived. Styx and Ky entered first, and I followed. When I did, Hush and Cowboy were first to their feet.
“Fuck, Flame!” Cowboy exclaimed as he drew to a stop in front of me. “You’re back!”
I flicked my chin at his smiling face, then Hush said, “Glad you’re okay, brother. You scared the shit out of us for a fuckin’ minute back there. Never seen anyone cut up like that before.”
My jaw clenched, as I tried not to think of the woman getting shot. Of that fucking baby crying, and of the little boy sitting on the sidewalk. Tank’s huge body suddenly moved before me, welcoming me back. Then Bull, Smiler, and finally, Tanner.
Tanner dropped his head and ran his hand through his beard. “The woman survived. I hacked into the hospital records and checked. Her kids too.” Relief rippled through my body.
“Thanks,” I said and he shook his head.
“I should’a known the Klan,” He paused as he gritted his teeth. “My fuckin’ old man, was gonna pull a stunt like this. And I can’t trace what the fuckers are gonna do. Nothing is happening on their in-house system, which means it’s all verbal. My old man knows I’d find out their plans in a fucking hot minute if it was on a system somewhere. The cunt’s playing smart.”
AK and Viking entered the room just as Tanner walked away. Viking held out his arms. “Have you heard the news? The fuckin’ Psycho Trio is back in business!”
The sound of Styx’s gavel hitting the wood of the table cut through the noise of congratulation. Ky gestured to the seats. “Sit down, ladies. The quicker we start, the fuckin’ quicker it can end.”
We all moved to our usual seats, mine in the middle of AK and Vike. Styx sat at the end. His hands lifted. I pulled out my blade. Ky started talking business, but all I could see was the blade that I’d pressed to my skin. I ran it over and over the tattoos of my flames. I could feel the burning, the fire bubbling underneath, but as I went to cut, I thought of Maddie’s face. The blade paused and I took a deep breath. I wanted to cut, I wanted to get the flames out. But thinking of Maddie kept them calm. It made them sleep.