“Swear, I’m this close to purposefully infecting myself with herpes so I can pass it along like a true friend. Feel me?”

Milo raised her hand. “You’d be passing it on to both of us.”

“Milo!” I gritted my teeth. “Not now!”

“You drunk enough yet?” Colt smirked.

Grumbling, I stepped past him and looked at the banner they’d hung in their hallway.

“To the new Bachelor.”

“Tell me—” I downed another can of beer. “Did you know, Milo? Did you help your satanic brother?”

Milo’s guilty face was all it took for me to charge toward her, but she hid behind her husband.

“Come out and fight me like a man!” I demanded.

“But I’m a girl!” she said from behind Colt. “And think of it this way, you get to be the Bachelor.”

“I am thinking of it that way! It sounds like a free ticket to hell! Those women are crazy! You do realize you’re putting me on an island with twenty-five Jaynes? The last episode we watched, a girl said her job was people watching. PEOPLE WATCHING IS NOT AN OCCUPATION! And they want me to find love? I’m officially going to be the first Bachelor that tries to get abducted by pirates.”

Jason cleared his throat. “They couldn’t actually prove that pirates were parading around that island, man.”

“Not,” I seethed, “the point. How do I get out of this without breaking the contract? Or getting fined for already signing something that I’m pretty sure one of you forged? All I have to do is tell them you screwed me over. Case closed.”

Nobody spoke for a few seconds, then Jason piped up. “We kind of sort of had a lawyer help us . . . um, lock you into the contract. Even if you said it was forged, technically your signature is on it, and you can’t prove we did anything, especially considering all the e-mails back and forth between you and the casting directors.”

“E-mails? You hacked my e-mail?”

Milo rolled her eyes. “You’ve had the same password all four years of college.”

“And now I have to change it!” I yelled, bordering on hysteria. I was completely and utterly screwed.

I pinched the bridge of my nose. “Okay, let me ask a different question. What if I don’t find someone I’m fond of?”

“Oh.” Milo stepped away from Colt. “No worries, as long as you finish the last episode you’re still under contract. We had a lawyer look through everything and—”

Colton smacked his hand over Milo’s mouth while Jason groaned behind me.

“Betrayed.” I shook my head. “By my best friends. A bunch of Judases!” I roared, running over to the silverware drawer and pulling out knives. “You wanna stab me in the back while you’re at it? Huh?”

“Max.” Milo rolled her eyes. “Put the knives down.”

“No!” I waved the knives in the air, slowly backing up. Unfortunately there was a chair there. I tripped, sending the knives into the air.

The minute my ass met the floor, I saw one knife impale itself in Jason’s thigh. What are the odds? Right?

“Son of a bitch!” Jason wailed, slamming backward against the wall, causing the clock to fall on his head. He slumped to the floor, cursing the entire way. With shaking hands he pulled the knife out of his leg. Please . . . there wasn’t even any blood. “This is why you need to do the show! You’re a danger to me and everyone else around you! The universe is clearly trying to tell you something, man.”

“That’s right.” I pointed at him, ignoring all the universe-being-out-of-whack shit pouring from his mouth. “Karma’s coming for you.” I made a cutting motion with my hand.

Just as Jason tossed the clock at me, I ducked, causing it to hit Colt in the stomach.

“Guys!” Milo stomped her foot. “Stop it! Max, you’re going. The papers are signed; stop being a baby. Plus your face is perfect for TV.”

“Flattery won’t work.” Okay, fine, so my chest puffed up a bit, but still.

“Two of the contestants are models.” She held out a DVD.

“What’s that?”

“Your women.” She grinned. “Wanna see?”

“Damn it.” I crossed my arms and stared at the DVD. “Are there any brunettes? You know I love brunettes.”

“Ten.” Milo winked. “After all, I helped them cast. What kind of friend would I be if I let them pick out all those girls?”

“Aw, Milo.” I pulled her in for a hug while Colton glared. “You really do love me. I almost like you again.”

“Yeah, well. Jason and Colt helped.” She held up her hands as if she wasn’t the only one who’d done the dirty work.

I clenched my jaw. “And when you say help, they picked all the crazies?”

“Two.” Colt coughed. “But to be fair, the producers were adamant about picking a few girls who were . . . untamed.”

Smirking, I rocked back on my heels. “Just call me a zookeeper ’cause I’ll tame them all day. All day, son!”

“Yeah,” Milo croaked. “One hasn’t shaved her legs in ten years.”

“Son of a hairy bitch.” I groaned and pressed my fingers against my temples. “Fine, put on the DVD, but I want whiskey.”

CHAPTER FOUR

MAX

“Okay.” Colt rubbed his hands together. “Now does everyone have a work sheet and a pencil?”