MR. SELF DESTRUCT

When we entered the apartment, the tension followed us in. There wasn’t even any Fat Rabbit to break the newly formed ice between us, he was locked in the bathroom. It was a peculiar kind of ice too. It held us tightly wound, unable to let our guard down. It was a wall that came up as soon as we broke apart in that snowy alley. Fuck, I wanted that again, that feeling of her legs wrapped around me. I needed us to thaw.

Perry walked across the kitchen and leaned against the island counter, her back to me. She kicked off her shoes, the berry heels dangling seductively off her foot. Her head was down, her upper back arched up, leaving the expanse of her shoulders and creamy smooth skin ripe and open for the taking. I kicked off my own shoes and took off my jacket in anticipation.

We needed to thaw. Ice melts with heat and I was packing enough heat in my pants that it pained me. Something needed to be done, for both of us.

I walked toward her carefully, feeling like I might scare her off and ruin the opportunity if I made any sudden movements. Keeping with that theme, I cautiously pushed some of her hair off of her shoulders, all to make room for my lips.

She didn’t flinch from my touch. She had expected it.

She wanted it and I wanted her.

I wanted nothing but her, now and forever.

I placed my lips where the wasp had stung her. It was sign of what she was willing to risk for me and I owed her so much more than just my kiss.

I kissed along her back, down her shoulder, feeling her shake beneath me. I tried to get her to face me, but she wasn’t thawed yet. I pressed my chest against her, pressed everything against her, and kissed at the corner of her mouth. I needed her to turn to me, give herself, all of her.

She did. She barely made it around before I was all over her, my hands searching her face, her hair, trying to take her all in at once.

There was no turning back tonight.

I put my hands at her small waist and lifted her onto the counter. She wrapped her legs around me again and I responded by hiking up her satiny dress until it was above her hips.

Oh, holy fuck.

I almost drooled on her as I stared at her open on display. My hunger was already insatiable before this.

As was hers. Her eyes looked ravenous, uncontrollable. She reached forward and ripped open my shirt. The buttons flew off. It would have been funny if my head wasn’t so clouded with driven lust. I unzipped her dress and pulled it down until her full breasts spilled out like heavy, round dreams from heaven. I tried drowning in them, tasting, licking like I couldn’t get enough.

She leaned back and I realized she wanted more. I pushed her gently with my hand until her back was against the counter. Then I grabbed both her thighs and took a dive. I started by swirling my tongue up the soft inner part before I had enough teasing and got to the heart of it. Just like that time on D’Arcy Island, I was rewarded with hot, perfumed wetness. I ate her until she grabbed my head and pulled it up.

Had I done something wrong? I don’t know what I’d do if this wouldn’t go farther. Jack off for eternity, probably.

“Do you want me to stop?” I asked. Had I been too soft? Too rough. Fuck what the hell was it!?

“No,” she said in a voice that made my hairs stand straight. “I want you inside me.”

My eyes widened.

Done.

“Yes ma’am,” I told her.

In seconds we were both naked as fuck, a first for us at the same time. She let her eyes rest on my cock and I was more than happy to say she looked scared. I couldn’t blame her. I felt like I had been having blue balls for thirty-two years and I had a large rod of steel to show for it.

She wrapped her legs around me and brought me into her. I brought my fingers down and rubbed at her until I knew she was slick enough to handle me then I gripped my cock and put it inside. She was tight. So tight. I could barely handle it and my brain started going over the weirdest things to keep everything under control. I wasn’t going to go this far and blow my load in two seconds. I wasn’t in high school.

I let out a few short bursts of breath, trying to take it as slow as possible. She had other ideas. She put her nails into my ass and encouraged me to speed up. I tried to keep pace without losing everything. I let my hands and face roam all over her upper body, holding on to every moment, watching her every chance I could. Who knew when I’d get this chance again.

And then it came to the point where I couldn’t take any of it anymore. Having sex with Perry was…well, I was surprised I lasted so long, especially when she’d smack me on the ass lightly and then grind me into her. But I wasn’t about to come first. Somewhere I remembered my manners.

I started rubbing her again, feeling how warm she was. I went for broke. I thrust into her deeper and deeper, faster and faster until we both lost it. A mess of groans.

I came into her like a high-pressured hose. There was a moment where I saw her eyes and she saw me and suddenly we were somewhere else, another world of shimmering air. It seemed to last for all eternity.

And in that eternity I got a glimpse of myself.

That wasn’t just fucking. That wasn’t just long overdue.

This was love.

I was head over heels in love with her. No, that didn’t describe it. I was tear my fucking heart out and throw it at her, beg her to take it into hers. I was falling from the greatest heights with no safety net below. I was giving everything of my own life for hers, giving up every inch of my soul so she could wear it proudly. I was a former king on my knees in front of the queen. A jester begging for a chance. I was powerless, helpless and at her mercy.

And that was the one place I swore I’d never be again.

To love was to hurt.

I wasn’t strong enough to survive it again if everything went wrong.

Against all my instincts, I pulled out of her and walked toward the bathroom without even a backward glance. It was all too much. Way too fucking much.

I lost everything before it even began.

I was reduced to a coward, hiding from future pain. How could I love someone who didn’t love me? Even I didn’t love me.

Eventually I came out of the bathroom and saw the door to the den closed. She was in there and lord knows what she was feeling or thinking. I felt so terrible having to hurt her the way I was going to. But I had no other choice. It was better this way, now. It would be superficial to her.

I slipped on my pajama pants and went to the couch. I was dazed, empty. Whatever ice had thawed was freezing over again, starting somewhere in my heart.

There, I thought. This is safer. Better.

I put my head in my hands and wondered what I’d say next.

Then she came out of the den. I heard her walk up to me. I didn’t need to look at her to read the worry she was giving off.

“Are you OK?” she asked, her voice wavering.

Fuck me. And she was being polite about it. She cared. She really did.

But she doesn’t love you, I told myself, almost yelling in my head. She told you she doesn’t love you and you saw the truth in her eyes. To love her means to hurt yourself.

I could take pain but not that road again.

She put her hand on me. I jumped.

“Dex,” she said, “Talk to me.”

Right. Like talking would do any good. I tried talking to her before this whole mess started. I know what she said.

When I didn’t answer her, she grabbed my arm and tried to pull it away from my head.

“Dex, please!” she yelled.

I looked at her. I had no idea what she saw.

Neither did she.

She leaned forward. “What is it? What happened?”

“Nothing happened,” the words just fell out of me. “And I hope you remember it that way.”

She sucked in her breath. “What do you mean by that?”

Oh, she knew.

I yanked myself out of her grip. “What do you think I mean?”

She wasn’t biting. She looked defiant. Stubborn. Naïve.

“Dex, just tell me what you’re talking about, you owe me this much.”

I had to laugh. She didn’t get it.

“I don’t owe you anything, Perry.”

It probably came out a little meaner than I expected. But this wasn’t about me owing her. She had the chance to owe me and she turned her back.

“Dex, what the hell is wrong with you? Why are you acting like this?”

“Why are you acting like this,” I shot back, annoyed. “All in my face and bugging me every fucking second.”

OK. Now I was just being nasty. I couldn’t help it. Whatever good there was in me was being replaced by anger. Anger was so much better than fear. To be the one inflicting pain was better than being in pain yourself.

“Bugging you?” she repeated. “We just had sex and you’re freaking out like-”

“I’m not freaking out about it!” I snapped.

She was unfazed at my obviousness. “Then what the hell is this? Because we were all fine an hour ago before this happened.”

I put my head back in my hands. She was right. We had been fine. We had been us. We had been perfect. Now the tables were turned and I didn’t know which way was up.

“I knew this was a mistake. This changed everything.”

I thought I heard a gasp from her. I didn’t care anymore.

“This wasn’t a mistake,” she cried out. “How could you say that?”

I decided to drive the point home, enjoying my nastiness.

“Typical. You’re reading too much into this.”

Let’s see if she had any real feelings over that.

She looked like I had punched her in the face. She leaned against the couch, gasping for breath and kind of crumpled over on herself. She looked like she was dying and I was the cause.

I didn’t drive that point home, I speared her with it. My words were ripping her apart from the inside. But why? It was just sex to her, wasn’t it? She didn’t love me. Did she? Why was she hurting like this? It was just me. Just Dex.

“Perry,” I asked cautiously. She stayed in her huddled position, like the life was being sucked out of her.

Her head snapped up and someone had replaced her eyes with that of a viper’s.

“What was this to you, Dex?” she sneered with bottomless hate. “A rebound? An itch you had to get out of your system? Another notch to add to your bedpost? Another person to screw around with, mentally and physically?”

Oh fuck. I couldn’t speak.

She continued, her eyes fixing on mine bitterly, “OK then, guess it was all of the above. Glad I know how you finally feel.”

Me feel?

Before I could process that she took off for the den. She was throwing all her clothes in her bag.

Packing.

I leaped to my feet and came for her. “Where are you going?”

I grabbed her arm but she got free and shoved me back, hard. I was shocked at her strength, at her anger that was bleeding out of her. I never expected this.

“You made your point Dex,” she said as if she were spitting out old gum. “You’ve now been very clear.”

“Perry, wait,” I protested weakly, “you can’t leave now, it’s snowing, you’re in your pajamas.” I had no idea how I was going to explain but I had to do something. The last thing I thought she’d do was actually leave me. I thought we’d fight then talk about it. Like we always did.