“Mom, we’re not breaking up because of some stupid letter!”

“If anything, we feel like she’s safer with you, Braden. If you had been dating longer I would suggest you move in together,” my dad said with a sigh.

“You sure you didn’t send this?” I asked dryly.

“That’s not funny, Gabrielle,” my mom chastised. She was “Gabrielling” me. Ma was stressed.

“Maybe you should spend more time at my place,” Braden suggested.

“Should I bring my dog?” I asked with a smile.

“Alright, I’m going to go call Lou,” my father announced.

“Why are you calling your lawyer? Do you need investment advice?”

“I just feel like he should be in on this. Maybe he knows some cops.”

“Dad, he’s a corporate lawyer. Braden here is a prosecutor. Don’t you think he might get a little further?”

“Good point. Braden, let’s go into the study and make some calls.”

“Okay, Ben. I’m going to call some people in Philly too and have them coordinate with New York.”

“Good idea.”

Ben and Braden were on it. I went off to find the crossword puzzle. I’ll be honest, I did find it very annoying and maybe a little unnerving that someone had gone through the trouble to schlep an hour and a half from Philly to New York, but I still thought it was probably one of those three losers and I couldn’t see any of them being all that dangerous.

An hour later an NYPD detective and an FBI special agent were sitting in my parents’ parlor. I couldn’t believe that the FBI actually sent somebody. I suspected it had more to do with the fact that Braden was the son of a senator than the possibility that some schmuck had crossed state lines to harass a public defender.

I answered all of their questions but I was careful about what I said. I stressed the fact that it was very ambiguous and said that for that reason I really didn’t know who it could be. I simply wasn’t ready to start accusing people just based on guesswork and without any evidence. Maybe I had been a defense lawyer for too long. Mostly, I just didn’t want Braden or I getting in hot water if it turned out I accused an innocent person. After a couple hours of my life that I’ll never get back, the law enforcement type people left.

“So, where are we going for dinner?” I asked.

“We’ll eat in,” my mom announced, heading toward the drawer with the take-out menus.

“Why?”

“I just think it’s best if we stay in, sweetheart.” She took out a stack the size of War and Peace.

“All night? No Shakespeare in the park?” I knew that I was whining, but come on!

“Honey,” my dad chimed in. “Let’s just stay home and relax. Come on, we’ll watch a movie. We still have to show Braden your baby pictures anyway.”

“You’re going let some cowardly letter writer make you lock yourself in the house?”

“Gabrielle, I came to spend time with your parents anyway. We can have a nice time just staying in,” Braden said. They were all against me. I knew there was no winning this. I went over and sat down rather ungracefully on the sofa.

“Okay, fine, but order really good food and let’s watch Manhattan or something. I want Braden to have some kind of New York experience beyond bagels and Bubbe.”

We ended up having Indian delivered and watching Sex and the City: The Movie, which I had obviously already seen, but as far as I was concerned, one could never get enough Sex and the City. After the movie, my mom and dad flanked Braden on either side and showed him every embarrassing picture of me they could find. If I was doing something incredibly awkward, had a really bad haircut or was wearing amazingly ugly clothes (or no clothes) it had been captured and preserved. The best ones were where all of the above applied, like at that damned birthday party.

Eventually Braden and I turned in and I had come up with something else that I had never offered but that I suspected would be a big hit. I locked my bedroom door again.

“Come over here and get naked with me in bed,” I said without preamble.

“I love it when you say things like that,” he said, yanking off his shirt and tossing it onto the chair. His jeans joined it seconds later. He wasn’t one to waste time. I pulled off my own clothing and went to sit back against the pillows. He crawled onto the bed with me and the Harvard endowment was already looking very interested in finding out what I had in mind.

“You know I thought of something else I could do for you.”

“Oh?” His voice was already starting to sound thick.

“You may have noticed that my body has changed a bit since my naked birthday party days.” His eyes flew to my chest and I saw him start breathing faster. Slowly he looked back up into my eyes, a silent question hanging in the air. “Come over here, Harvard,” I said throatily.

He looked so incredibly happy as he knelt over me and as I rubbed some of his favorite parts of my body against one of my favorite parts of his. His eyes were looking dazed, he was breathing hard and it was easy to see that he had fantasized about this one a few times already. Finally I pushed my br**sts together tightly and he began thrusting, groaning continuously, his eyes fixed on the sight of his c**k sliding between them. Here’s a hint for you; for a boob man, this one is a real winner.

“Oh baby, so hot.” His voice was strained and I knew he was close. “These are mine. Nobody else gets to play with them.” He panted.

“That’s right, baby. Nobody else gets to play with my toys either.”

“No,” he groaned. “Don’t want anyone else. Only you.”

“Come on baby. Come for me,” I urged and it put him over the edge. For a boob man, the finale of this particular event is apparently almost enough to bring tears to the eyes. He collapsed onto his back groaning and panting ecstatically.

Since we seemed to have established a theme, when he had caught his breath and some blood had returned to his brain, he decided to devote concerted efforts to seeing if he could give me a happy ending just by paying my br**sts a great deal of oral and manual attention. The answer, incidentally, was that he could. He found the effort so much fun that he was ready to go for round two afterward, and we explored a couple of different positions that allowed him easy access to his toys. This little Sex in the City party went on for a couple of hours, until we had tired each other out to the point of exhaustion. Have I mentioned that Braden and I had a very good sex life?