My brother was dead now.

“What’s wrong?”

I’d never get used to it. Ethan was supposed to be next to us. No, that wasn’t right either. Ethan was supposed to be where I was sitting. I should’ve been in the back seat and my brother would’ve been lecturing Jesse on the laws, how he needed to follow the set speed limit. Jesse would ignore him, but he’d grin and slow to a more reasonable pace. Then the two would laugh about something, curse at each other, and we’d head back to my home. Ethan never knew it, but sometimes Jesse and I touched hands. We never held each other’s hands. Jesse had a girlfriend, but not anymore.

I looked over at his clenched jaw. His knuckles gripped the wheel tight. I sighed, “Are you hoping to join him?”

His foot let up immediately on the pedal. “Sorry.” He shot me a rueful look. “I don’t think sometimes.”

“I wish I could stop thinking.”

He glanced over again. “You seem to be holding up all right.”

“It’s called not feeling. It’s the best method for mourning. You don’t.”

A corner of his mouth lifted, but it wasn’t a grin. It wasn’t even a half-grin. Jesse’s eyes were empty now. “I think I’ll try that tonight.”

“What?”

“Stop thinking. Stop feeling.”

“I want to get drunk tonight.”

“It’s on the agenda.” His eyes flickered now. A little bit of warmth was there. “You sure your parents were still there? I didn’t see their car in the lot.”

I lied again. “They think I’m staying at Angie’s tonight.”

“Does Angie know that?”

“No.”

He grinned again as he turned onto his street. Then he turned up the hill that their huge mansion had been built on. As he parked outside, a brand new Jaguar was already there. Jesse stopped and stared at it before the slightest bit of warmth faded from his eyes again. He took his keys out and dug it into the side of the car. He walked the entire length before he tucked his keys back into his pocket, taking my hand in his. “Fucking new girlfriend’s here.”

“Yours?”

“My dad’s. Come on.” He took me down the hill so we entered the house from the back door. We walked through the basement and headed up the farthest set of stairs. A feminine giggle was above us, followed by a man’s moan, but Jesse ignored the sounds. He led the way through the back hallways until we got to the farthest end of the house. I knew where his room was, but it’d been so long. I might’ve gotten lost. As we stepped into his room, it was like a whole other house inside of their house. Jesse had his own living quarters.

The sounds had grown quieter, but when he shut the door, there were no more sounds. It was only us.

I perched on his king sized bed while he rifled through his liquor cabinet. He had his own bar. It still amazed me, even though I knew he’d had it for a while. He was a junior. No, that wasn’t right anymore. Ethan had graduated. Jesse would be a senior and I was going to be a junior. We were so young, but I didn’t feel young anymore. I felt old, too old. And as Jesse poured himself a glass of something dark, he didn’t look young either.

Was it possible to age years in three days?

I felt it.

“Here.” Jesse gestured to the second glass. “Come over here.”

I did. My dress inched up my thigh, but I didn’t pay it any attention. I wouldn’t even feel it in a moment. I was still new to drinking. My first party had been earlier in the year, but I knew my tolerance wasn’t much. This glass and another, I’d be drunk.

Jesse already finished his. He began pouring a second for himself.

Well, maybe not. Maybe I wouldn’t feel this, like I didn’t feel anything else. But I drank it and I did. There was a burn. I barely flinched as I nudged the glass over for a refill.

“You sure?”

I nodded. I needed it. Tonight, I needed it. Tomorrow, I’d deal with the consequences.

After I sipped the second drink, I cringed. “Marissa told me that you broke up with Sarah. Is that true?”

He nodded as he leaned against the wall behind his counter. He moved his glass around, making the liquid swish in a circle. “I suppose.”

“Why?”

“Why not?” he countered, frowning into his glass.

“Jesse.”

His eyes looked up and caught mine. He was hurting. I saw the agony, but I could only see it because it was in me. No one else saw it. No one else was privy enough to be allowed past his walls. Why he let me through, I’d probably never know, but I was grateful. He was the only one who understood because he was the only one who loved Ethan as much as I did.

He relinquished, “I broke up with her because it was getting too serious.”

“You weren’t with Ethan that night?”

He finished his glass and poured another. As he settled back against the wall, he shook his head. “No. I was at dinner with Sarah and her parents. The f**king in-laws, or that’s what they were referring to themselves as. I didn’t give a shit. I didn’t even want to be there.”

I bit my tongue. Sarah was perfect. She was tiny. She was beautiful. She was kind. And she’d been Jesse’s girlfriend for three years. She was almost opposite of me in most ways. I was normal in height and slender, but unlike her porcelain skin, mine was golden tan. Angie told me it matched well with my dark hair and dark eyes. It didn’t matter how I measured up. No one else intimidated me more than her. I sighed now because I wanted to ask him so many more questions, but I recognized the angry tone to his voice. He was moving beyond his irritation. It might’ve been the funeral or his dad’s girlfriend’s car. I didn’t know. Maybe it was even me, but this Jesse was ready to snap. I’d been around a few times when he had. It was never good. A guy had gotten beaten up one time. Another time Jesse had been arrested for taking a bat to someone’s car. The third was when he drove a car over a cliff. I’d been in the car and he told me to get out before I knew what he was doing. He’d thrown himself out of it before it was air-born, but that’d been the scariest. It was the day his mother had died.